im starting to get worried that what i feel is not drug apathy anymore. At what point do i get to think normally and smile about normal things. this shit is getting old.

i stayed in bed today until 6 at night. why because of fear, fear of what i might do, what i might say, or what horrible exp. will happen to me. One thing i know about myself is when i am worried about something i let it fester, then it turns to hate and rage. Also when i am scared, i am on defense about everything. So i did not argue with anyone, i did not jam a needle in my arm, and i did not lose everything i have worked so hard to keep in my life. The only communication i had today was with kristy, my on and off significant other. We didn't argue. So i am not sure what you would call today. if the glass is half full then it was a good day i didn't get hi. if its half empty, i wasted a day didnt make any life long memories or a positive impact on anyone. i still am unsure which way to look at life at this very second, the only thing i do know is sleeping until 6 means at 2:20 in the morning you are not tired. which blows

man I am absent from this blog for extreme periods of time. my dad lives on these things, i am surprised i still have followers. but thats good to me it shows that i am moving on, because i dont want this to be a major part of m life anymore, and i havent got what i desired in a very long time and i dont see it changing anytime soon. I have really put in some thought about this t.v. interview thing and you know i would not mind it at all. for all i know it could be my calling and i could take the one thing that destroyed my life and turn it into a cash crop, as greedy as that sounds I have been going through despair and am american so i feel compensation should be in order. Tonight the one new and exciting person that sobriety has brought into my life, (my girlfriend) dumped me. Oh believe me trigger like a motherfucker but luckily i got through it. She had a mother addicted growing up, and now that i am trusting her enough to let her know about my past it is bringing up bad memories and she let me go on the chance that i might relapse and make her feel like she did growing up. I am sorry she had a bad childhood and she told me i don understand which is odd because i feel that living it is a pretty good understanding, but i care about her and we are doing a 2 week break, which is better than ending it because she is everything to me at this point. I mean i literally have nothing at this point in my life, wait i take that back i have debt and addiction. I mean by the grace of my parents i have a roof over my head but other than that i dont have a damn thing, i dont even have a room to call m own in the house. So she is everything to me and its been getting serious i stay there about 6 out of 7 days a week and love every second of it. i hope we can work this out because what good is sobriety if you dont have anyone to share it with plus she is super hot. she has two children that love me for some odd reason and she is worried about my impact on them too, they already had one dad take off on them. which i cant even begin to imagine children, i still am a kid, but one thing i do know is i would never do anything to upset those girls and the sooner the mother realizes that the sooner she can open back up to me and treat me like a human being even better her boyfriend instead of a bad memory from her childhood i dont know how many times and to how many people i have to say this every situation in addiction and person in addiction is different so stop throwing us all in the same category

i know i dont write on this much, its hard with so much going on around, yet i am standing still. I have tried opening up and expressing every morsel of feeling in my body and at times it makes me want to use more than anything. this time i am trying something else and its just making a decision to stop and thats the end of discussion. This has been working so far but it is wearing on me because it seems like everyone i care about is still trying the old method. which must work for them, but it makes me uncomfortable. its like them constantly reminding me that i am a piece of shit. i know that is not their intentions but it is hard not to feel this way. My father just informed me he has been offered to do a story about our life in diane sawyer. dont get me wrong that is exciting and could help alot of people, it is just that i will be constantly reminded and labeled as a junkie and could possibly effect all my future relationships and life opportunities. I am not sure i could handle it also it will cause a massive amount of stress for my close relatives who also have clung to the forget method that works for them. i am still struggling with every obstacle that life gives me and this time am fortunate enough to include all the people who actually want me to make an improvement. my group of friends this time have done nothing but support me and i hope one day they know that they saved my life

hello everyone,

my dad has been on me about writing in here which is a double edged sword. Yes it shows support but also it seems that sometimes he wants to control my recovery. That is just his charcater, he really likes to control things which usually is a good thing. He is one of the smartest people i know and is very successful. But when it comes to this problem no one and i mean no one can control it.

Lately I have been chasing a new addiction...... women. While on drugs, females took a back seat on my list of things that are important. People would ask me how good was sex while on heroin. I would answer, "Who cares, Why would you want to have sex when you could be cooking up a new shot." "Sex is a waste of time." While in the joint you realize how much you take the softness of a women's skin, for granted.

Once out I have put my ability to be with girls into overtime. Don't get me wrong I am no ladies man by no means. But I have had many more oppurtunities now that i am not chasing a dragon. Once I got out i found out the the girl that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with had now moved on and found a much better boyfriend who would not be a hassle to deal with like yours truly. Of course I became better and resented her for that. I immeadetly ressented her for it and sabotaged any chance i had at a relationship with her. I was very down about it and started re-kindling old relationships with girls who knew me before heroin. Now this was a task and still is because, I have no car to take them out on dates, no cell phone to hand out numbers which leaves alot of room for seculation. The best relationships are the ones that you fall into unexpectedly. Let me explain, While locked up my childhood best friend's step mom past away. I commented on his face book and gave him my number, so he could call and we could go hang out and talk about all the good times we used to have. I get to his house where he lives with his goregous cousin who is 25. I automatically assume that they are boyfriend and girlfriend. She is a young attractive nurse who lives with him, I have never met her before so i didnt know any better. Later that nite i ask him if he got her these flowers that are sitting in a vase on the table. He looks at me with disgust, and asks why he would buy his cousin flowers. I apologize and move on with the conversation. Through out the nite her and i talk and i find out that she has the same sense of humor as me  and we laugh the hardest i have laugh in years about nothing important. eventually for some insane reason me and her end up out side at midnight in 20 degree wheather playing flag football in the complete dark. we laugh hard and go back inside. At this point she has had too much to drink and goes to sleep, so i assume. minutes later one of her lady friends pulls me aside and says alex, kristy wants you to go upstairs for a second. I dont thik anything of it and assume she may need to borrow my lighter or something. I enter the room where she is curled up in the bed. Now to a normal 21 year old guy she may have put herself in a compromising situation. but me being the gentleman i am i simply sit next to her and we proceed to laugh and joke around, then like it was meant to happen written in a script we lean in and kiss. no like a meaningless drunk sloppy make out kiss. one of those heart stoppers. and instantly i am head over heels. we stay up most of the night talking and laying together.  I want to make this clear, no sex. Thats how i know this is special. We talk and talk. Since then i have done nothing but think about her and how i can make her laugh.  we are taking things really slow which is good. I dont want to scare her off or haver her think i am obsessed so i am writing about her on here. No car makes things very hard for me to go see her. because when i am dropped off by my parents i have to stay the night there because i feel bad if i was to call my mom to pick me up at 2 in the morning. When i go over there with a buddy i feel like he is being a third wheel and feels uncomfortable after everyone goes to sleep. but i cant help it i want to be with her all the time. i am not sure if shee feels the same though because she doesnt put as much effort into as i do. she calls but i ahve to twist her arm and put her on a guilt trip. she is reluctant to come over here and it doesnt seem to bug her when we have to part ways. i know u guys give great advice about addiction but now i need your advice about women please give me some help so i dont screw this up and become vunerable to drugs thanks

Okay, It is now 1 in the morning, which seems to be when I do my best thinking and when all the realizations come to me. Also It is when my parents think I am up to no good. So it can be entertaining sneaking around right now. No I am just kidding although I do suspect they think I am up to my usual ways. Tonight was a typically Family Fun night. Father came home and was worried about the only thing that matters 24 hours a day.... not the gross economical impact of the unemployment rate, no he was worried about food. So he left to pick up chinese food since they opted to stay home this Friday. I think It was because they looked like they did not feel comfortable leaving me here alone unsupervised while they went out. Some people are so predictable that you could set your watch by them I knew exactly what we were eating from the restaraunt 3 weeks ago. My dad orders the same thing everytime and then blames my mom for not saying what she wanted its a lil game he plays, trying to justify his actions. D discussion was not bad, We had the honorable guest Brookie Here. Which I greatfully volunteered to take care of. I still feel like my mom feels uncomfortable with me being so gung ho about watching my niece, but that does not deter me I love her and will keep asking all the time. After dinner the phone rings, and to my astonishment it is this magnificent girl that for some reason decided while I was locked up that I am not even worthy of a casual breaking off of realtionship, no instead she skips that and goes straight for a new douche bag boyfriend.  Once I found out I do not stand a chance I have gradually become less interested in her. Once that happens I don't strive to keep our conversations, exciting and witty and flirty. Now it is just small talk, which ends abruptly because she convienently calls me at inconvienent times. So that the conversations are easy to cut short and rub in my face that I have no life and she is the center of all thats is interesting and fun loving. So unfortunately I survive that and am about to call the new love of my life when my dad uses one of his infamous casual arguement starters.... Alex "sit down we wanna talk to you abou somethings." He never leaves me enough time to retrieve my battle shield and spear.  Once seated I am repeatedly informed of how they are not putting up with my shit anymore, which is completely fair. That is not the part that bugs me. It's that he won't drop the image thing. I try to explain to him that by not liking a hat or pair of shoes to the point of bringing it up everyday and refusing to let me wear them in public , is stereotyping and that addiction is a faceless disease and just beacuse you wear a pair of shoes doesnt mean you smoke sherm or wear a certain hat that you bang oc's. I try to make a point that the games they play are psychological warfare because why do they allow me to purchase these items. Then he has even went as far as to say that I need to change the intonation in my voice. That junkies sound "nasally" and this is unacceptable. to make a long story....... less long than it was but not quite short. we get no where and it is 11 o'clock and I am emotionally and metnally beat so I lay in bed and have to sneak outside to smoke cigarettes because lord knows we are not paying to heat the outside and going out 3 times a nite is 3 times too many. But hey today was a victory beacuse no needles spiked my veins and I am one day wiser in the battle of addiction. Now all I need is employment then I would have better stuff to do then type on this pathetic blog

the bend in the road

Today, I felt like one of those people who is scared to walk outside their house. I realized how close i am to slipping back into addiction. I now realize somethings may not go my way and exactly how i imagined them to. I  took the long road and decided not to use today, I looked for jobs which being a felon makes all that more difficult. But atleast i feel like i accomplished something. My father and I  are still on thin ice. He took me to a basketball game tonight which is the great father son equalizer, sports. I noticed on the way there while he was informing me of how big of a loser i am that he has become more smart ass about informing me, which I think is a good thing it shows that my past decisions don't bug him as much. I hope its because I am finally taking responsibility for my actions, and trying not to lie to myself. All i know is life is moving as fast as ever and I am trying my best to stand still so I dont fall over. Well the good thing is tomorrow is another day chal full of surprise yay I can't wait