Monday, February 22, 2010

man I am absent from this blog for extreme periods of time. my dad lives on these things, i am surprised i still have followers. but thats good to me it shows that i am moving on, because i dont want this to be a major part of m life anymore, and i havent got what i desired in a very long time and i dont see it changing anytime soon. I have really put in some thought about this t.v. interview thing and you know i would not mind it at all. for all i know it could be my calling and i could take the one thing that destroyed my life and turn it into a cash crop, as greedy as that sounds I have been going through despair and am american so i feel compensation should be in order. Tonight the one new and exciting person that sobriety has brought into my life, (my girlfriend) dumped me. Oh believe me trigger like a motherfucker but luckily i got through it. She had a mother addicted growing up, and now that i am trusting her enough to let her know about my past it is bringing up bad memories and she let me go on the chance that i might relapse and make her feel like she did growing up. I am sorry she had a bad childhood and she told me i don understand which is odd because i feel that living it is a pretty good understanding, but i care about her and we are doing a 2 week break, which is better than ending it because she is everything to me at this point. I mean i literally have nothing at this point in my life, wait i take that back i have debt and addiction. I mean by the grace of my parents i have a roof over my head but other than that i dont have a damn thing, i dont even have a room to call m own in the house. So she is everything to me and its been getting serious i stay there about 6 out of 7 days a week and love every second of it. i hope we can work this out because what good is sobriety if you dont have anyone to share it with plus she is super hot. she has two children that love me for some odd reason and she is worried about my impact on them too, they already had one dad take off on them. which i cant even begin to imagine children, i still am a kid, but one thing i do know is i would never do anything to upset those girls and the sooner the mother realizes that the sooner she can open back up to me and treat me like a human being even better her boyfriend instead of a bad memory from her childhood i dont know how many times and to how many people i have to say this every situation in addiction and person in addiction is different so stop throwing us all in the same category

7 comments:

  1. Alex, I am glad you stopped by to update. The nice thing about blogging is you do it when you feel like it, no obligation to write more often than the mood strikes. Can't finish this, have to drive my son to court but I will come back I have some stuff to say that will hopefully make you feel a bit encouraged.

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  2. Alex, This one thing that jumped out at me. You said mentioned that every addicted person and situation is different and should not be lumped into the same category. That is true. Everyone is different. But at the same time, many addicts/alcoholics have a similar pattern in their lives. Your gf is being cautious, as she should be, because of her own past and her children's future.

    Its hard not to take her actions personally, but I would be much more upset if the opposite happened, if she said "I don't care that you were an addict or that you are in recovery I love you no matter what". That is not a healthy, mature attitude. The unfortunate fact is there is a pattern of behavior that most addicts have, even if you personally don't fit the standard.

    This young woman sounds like she's able to make decisions based on what is best for herself and her children - isn't that the kind of person you want in your life?

    If you two truly care for each other (and it sounds like you do!) she will watch and wait and hopefully give you a chance to prove yourself. I know it sucks to have to prove yourself, but we all live with the consequences of our actions no matter what they are (addiction, cheating, etc.) Its just how life works.

    So try to see the positive in this. Try not to be defensive. Its the same with parents, we love our kids so much and we want to see them recovery and not relapse...but we have to be cautious because unfortunately we know how much it hurts when it happens, and it can happen to anyone at any time. I think the more time you have clean the more trust and respect you will have from everyone in your life...including yourself.

    About her children liking you - what's not to like, you're an awesome guy.

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  3. I applaud you for putting down your real feelings despite the judging eyes abroad. I am not saying that this in itself is not helpful, but for some the true depth of expression in writing comes in freedom. I understand your parents and their need for community, support, and inclusion, but perhaps a genuine outlet for you would be an anonymous blog or a blog that is invite only.

    I created my recovery in a complete liberal way. I can't imagine what enabling/judging and conservative parents would have contributed.

    It feels complicated just thinking about it. Just like your Dad understands that in his own recovery as the parent he was, that you "take what you need and leave the rest" so must you.

    I think you are on a great path but you are missing one key point which is evidenced by your words "I mean i literally have nothing at this point in my life, wait i take that back i have debt and addiction."

    You have yourself. The most valuable asset. You are no less deserving than any other individual, not the President, not the nameless junkie that OD'd yesterday. You are equally as deserving of love, hope, growth, and happiness as is any other individual.

    (((hugs)))

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  4. it's um, different. being the child of an addict. it leaves BIG scars. being an addict is hard. being the child of an addict is harder.

    imagine your parents loving something MORE than you. imagine going hungry becuz they spent the money on dope instead of food for you.

    imagine laying in your crib for hours crying, and your mom not coming becuz she is passed out.

    scared? worried? you bet your ass she is.

    sorry about your pain Alex, pain hurts. but addicts cause pain.

    it's sort of like this.

    Life is like a jar of jalapeno's. What you did yesterday can burn you in the ass tomorrow.

    It's called consequences. And we all face them.

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  5. Your life will change if you have gratitude for what you do have - not just a roof over your head, but food to eat, a nice hot shower, access to a computer, t.v., a washer/dryer - so you don't have to lug your laundry to a laundromat, beautiful nature to look at, family, and a God that loves you (I could go on and on about what you could be grateful for). If you don't feel it - try faking it - even that helps! I am praying for you!

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  6. Don't know much what to say besides this girl isn't all you have. Don't value your worth on addiction, and don't value your worth on one girl, no matter how great she may seem today.
    God has plans for you and they may or may not include her, but know He knows you're there. He created us all equal.
    I pray for you every night. Take your time to find your path.
    God bless.

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