im starting to get worried that what i feel is not drug apathy anymore. At what point do i get to think normally and smile about normal things. this shit is getting old.

i stayed in bed today until 6 at night. why because of fear, fear of what i might do, what i might say, or what horrible exp. will happen to me. One thing i know about myself is when i am worried about something i let it fester, then it turns to hate and rage. Also when i am scared, i am on defense about everything. So i did not argue with anyone, i did not jam a needle in my arm, and i did not lose everything i have worked so hard to keep in my life. The only communication i had today was with kristy, my on and off significant other. We didn't argue. So i am not sure what you would call today. if the glass is half full then it was a good day i didn't get hi. if its half empty, i wasted a day didnt make any life long memories or a positive impact on anyone. i still am unsure which way to look at life at this very second, the only thing i do know is sleeping until 6 means at 2:20 in the morning you are not tired. which blows

man I am absent from this blog for extreme periods of time. my dad lives on these things, i am surprised i still have followers. but thats good to me it shows that i am moving on, because i dont want this to be a major part of m life anymore, and i havent got what i desired in a very long time and i dont see it changing anytime soon. I have really put in some thought about this t.v. interview thing and you know i would not mind it at all. for all i know it could be my calling and i could take the one thing that destroyed my life and turn it into a cash crop, as greedy as that sounds I have been going through despair and am american so i feel compensation should be in order. Tonight the one new and exciting person that sobriety has brought into my life, (my girlfriend) dumped me. Oh believe me trigger like a motherfucker but luckily i got through it. She had a mother addicted growing up, and now that i am trusting her enough to let her know about my past it is bringing up bad memories and she let me go on the chance that i might relapse and make her feel like she did growing up. I am sorry she had a bad childhood and she told me i don understand which is odd because i feel that living it is a pretty good understanding, but i care about her and we are doing a 2 week break, which is better than ending it because she is everything to me at this point. I mean i literally have nothing at this point in my life, wait i take that back i have debt and addiction. I mean by the grace of my parents i have a roof over my head but other than that i dont have a damn thing, i dont even have a room to call m own in the house. So she is everything to me and its been getting serious i stay there about 6 out of 7 days a week and love every second of it. i hope we can work this out because what good is sobriety if you dont have anyone to share it with plus she is super hot. she has two children that love me for some odd reason and she is worried about my impact on them too, they already had one dad take off on them. which i cant even begin to imagine children, i still am a kid, but one thing i do know is i would never do anything to upset those girls and the sooner the mother realizes that the sooner she can open back up to me and treat me like a human being even better her boyfriend instead of a bad memory from her childhood i dont know how many times and to how many people i have to say this every situation in addiction and person in addiction is different so stop throwing us all in the same category

i know i dont write on this much, its hard with so much going on around, yet i am standing still. I have tried opening up and expressing every morsel of feeling in my body and at times it makes me want to use more than anything. this time i am trying something else and its just making a decision to stop and thats the end of discussion. This has been working so far but it is wearing on me because it seems like everyone i care about is still trying the old method. which must work for them, but it makes me uncomfortable. its like them constantly reminding me that i am a piece of shit. i know that is not their intentions but it is hard not to feel this way. My father just informed me he has been offered to do a story about our life in diane sawyer. dont get me wrong that is exciting and could help alot of people, it is just that i will be constantly reminded and labeled as a junkie and could possibly effect all my future relationships and life opportunities. I am not sure i could handle it also it will cause a massive amount of stress for my close relatives who also have clung to the forget method that works for them. i am still struggling with every obstacle that life gives me and this time am fortunate enough to include all the people who actually want me to make an improvement. my group of friends this time have done nothing but support me and i hope one day they know that they saved my life