Monday, March 1, 2010

i stayed in bed today until 6 at night. why because of fear, fear of what i might do, what i might say, or what horrible exp. will happen to me. One thing i know about myself is when i am worried about something i let it fester, then it turns to hate and rage. Also when i am scared, i am on defense about everything. So i did not argue with anyone, i did not jam a needle in my arm, and i did not lose everything i have worked so hard to keep in my life. The only communication i had today was with kristy, my on and off significant other. We didn't argue. So i am not sure what you would call today. if the glass is half full then it was a good day i didn't get hi. if its half empty, i wasted a day didnt make any life long memories or a positive impact on anyone. i still am unsure which way to look at life at this very second, the only thing i do know is sleeping until 6 means at 2:20 in the morning you are not tired. which blows

6 comments:

  1. The glass is all the way full! You didn't use. You used coping skills that you know work for you. You made the right decision. You avoided conflict that would have made things worse. Alex, the glass is overflowing today. I am so proud of you. Life is never going to be empty of fear, worry and all those things. Sometimes they will be significant, other times they will be in the background. The important thing to learn (we all learn at different rates of time - took me till well into adulthood to learn this) is that its what we DO with those emotions and fears that matters. So what if you lied in bed all day on a weekend? Its what you had to do yesterday. A week from now you may have upgraded your coping skills to only lie in bed half the day and then go for a walk, or see a friend, or learn something new. You're learning and you're doing good. Dang....you didn't use....that is what matters!

    Ok, that profile picture is great, what a handsome guy, you look like your mom! The words next to it I don't like so much. Negative thinking is your enemy. Recognize it and shoot it down with an AR. Don't let those thoughts linger. You are not a screw up you are a person in progress. You're learning life just like we all are, and in many ways you are ahead of some people I know that are WAY older than you.

    I'm so glad you're writing again!

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  2. you did well alex. don't look at the damn glass.

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  3. One minute of not putting that needle in your arm is a glass running over. Try not to be hard on yourself and be over analytical of it. Like John Lennon sang "whatever gets you through the night", or better yet, whatever keeps that needle out of your arm. Great job Alex.

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  4. Alex -

    I think it's great that you can get your feelings out and that you are recognizing how you react to your emotions, i.e. fear = defensiveness, worry = hate/rage. Hope you have a great day today!

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  5. You can do it, it's always going to be a day to day event.

    Secretia

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  6. Some days the glass will be half full, and other days it will be half empty. Some days you will want to lie in bed all day, and others you will have enough energy to conquer the world. Addiction is a world of condtradiction, and you cannot expect the contradictions to clear up right away. But, they will with time. Time and persistence will heal. You did not use today, and that is a great accomplishment. I think a lot of people who have not been addicted do not realize what an accomplishment one clean day is. Then, string twenty or thirty of those clean days together, and you are climbing up the mountain. It is a slow, but steady pace in the beginning...and it is a feat to accomplish what you have. Keep at it. And be proud of your accomplishment. It may seem like an impossible climb sometimes now, but it will get easier. Persistence is the key. (And most addicts are good at persistence. I know I used to be really persistent when I needed to score...take that persistence and apply it to recovery...A counselor of mine told me that if the addict could use just half of the time and energy we put into using on our recovery, we would be very successful.)

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