Tuesday, August 31, 2010

im starting to get worried that what i feel is not drug apathy anymore. At what point do i get to think normally and smile about normal things. this shit is getting old.


  1. maybe, just maybe, you are clinically depressed? and seeing someone who can diagnose that and prescribe an appropriate anti-depressant may help with those feelings of "something is missing"?

    sometimes i wonder if you guys all tried to fill that void with heroin because you didn't know what it was that was causing it, and didn't know you had other options to feel 'normal'? i don't know alex. but maybe its worth a try to find out?

    best, dawn

  2. sorry. forgot this part. someone once described living with clinical depression as

    driving down the interstate at 80 mph with the emergency brake on. i was going fast, but didn't realize how much i was bogged down until i was on anti depressants. then, i literally flew!! instead of running into obstacles constantly and having every door slammed in my face, my life started going along in a really positive direction, and i found lots of open doors and most of my life became positive.

  3. i was on antidepressants for a bit. i dont know how i feel about them.

    I have just recently stopped all meds and went on a semi healthier diet. seems to be better than the meds.

    my BP is good, cholesterol is better, labido has improved.. working on pain managment without opiates..

    working a program helps..

    God helps..

    getting my self esteem back and just feeling good was hard. ups and downs.. life is full of them..


  4. I think the fact that you posted something on your blog and reached out says a lot about your determination to find a better way. Working a program helps, even if you struggle with the whole 12 step idea. I did struggle with that but recently started just letting all that go and actually am trying to work the steps, it has brought me much peace. I also take a small amount of an antidepressant and it has also helped. Keep seeking answers and solutions other than the one that you have kept trying and it keeps bringing you the same negative outcome.

  5. It takes a while, Alex. Much longer than a month, sometimes. At least that is how it was for me. I was addicted to heroin for seven to ten years (depending how you look at it.) and I have been clean now for over four years. I remember after Hurricane Katrina, I had been clean from opiates for several months and all I wrote about was thinking about drugs. All I really did was think about drugs. I woke up every day, and heroin was the first thing I thought about. If I felt tired, I wished I had a shot. If I felt sad, I wished I had a shot. And I almost always felt tired and sometimes sad. If I felt happy, I wanted a shot. I found an old journal entry several months ago that I wrote when I had been clean only a month or so, and it reeked of heroin. I remeber those first few months were agonizing. It was painful, at times. It wasn't the pains of withdrawal, but instead it was the pains of mental anguish. The pains of cravings. The pains of my broken record mind going over the same old thing again and again. I remember feeling like I was sitting on the fence, where I could see both paths so clearly. I knew I wanted to be on that clean side, I knew I wanted to stay away from drugs...but I just didn't know how to stop thinking about them. I had to occupy my time. I worked a lot because when I was just sitting at home, all I thought about was getting high. I felt like I was always achy, and now that I look back...I think the aches and pains were imaginary, and my mind giving me a reason to use. I surrounded myself with people who did not use. And I went to group therapy where I could talk about it with others. I went to meetings. Sometimes I hated them, and other times I left feeling like a new person. I had good days, and I had HORRIBLE days. But, eventually those thoughts of getting high faded away. Eventually I stopped thinking about heroin all the time. And it just kinda snuck up on me. I didn't really realize when I made that transition, but one day I just realized that I was thinking about so many other things. By the time that happened, I had a job that I really loved. I had something to look forward to, and by then I had made some sober friends. Now I am back in school. I have a son. I am writing all the time. Sometimes I still miss the old days, but my life has gotten so great that I would not trade it for anyhting, especially not heroin. I am lucky. Alex, it is a long road. No one can tell you how soon the torture will end...but I can tell you it will end. It definitely will end. And you will be more happy than you ever imagined. For now, stay busy. Work. Or go to school. Do something you are passionate about. Stay away from old people, places, and things. And remember that people really love you, and one day you will look back and understand it all. Hang in there.

  6. Alex, if you ever want to bounce some thoughts off some one, you can find my email in my profile. I would be more than happy to offer any help that I can. I know what it is like to be in your shoes. Check out my blog, if you like. I think you will find a common thread. Stick with it. It really is worth it.

  7. It takes time. Keep doing the right thing and each day you will get closer to the day that you feel "better". No one feels good all the time, not even close. That's just a fact of life. I know anti-depressants have saved my life because I get suicidal when I stop taking them. Not saying you need them, but what Fractal Mom said makes sense. You are a very bright, loving and loved person. Just don't go back to the drugs. Just don't do it. Keep moving ahead. I promise you life will only get better then longer you stay away from that shit.

  8. Hi Alex. Think about you all the time because you remind me so much of my own son. I hope you're doing ok. Be kind to yourself and to everyone around you - but mostly yourself. We have it in our heads that we don't deserve kindness or love or self care and that's bullshit. Its not selfish to love and care for yourself. Its what we need to be able to relate in life and have relationships etc.

  9. Alex, Are you still around? Ran into ur blog & noticed the date was a month old, and no new posts. What is up, I hope & pray you are ok.

  10. Hey,

    I've been a heroin addict for nearly fourteen years, starting at 17.

    Ive struggled for years with it, and the damage and pain you cause your family is awful, it also feeds back into the cycle of using though through the guilt!

    Interesting blog anyway, I know writing really helps me.. I've recently started blogging about it all anyway


    Ive blogged about it anyway

  11. Thanks for posting this. I, too, understand what its like to be autiously optimistic...excited, but waiting to see how long it takes for someone to pull the rug out. I will be praying for you guys every day!
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