my dad has been on me about writing in here which is a double edged sword. Yes it shows support but also it seems that sometimes he wants to control my recovery. That is just his charcater, he really likes to control things which usually is a good thing. He is one of the smartest people i know and is very successful. But when it comes to this problem no one and i mean no one can control it.
Lately I have been chasing a new addiction...... women. While on drugs, females took a back seat on my list of things that are important. People would ask me how good was sex while on heroin. I would answer, "Who cares, Why would you want to have sex when you could be cooking up a new shot." "Sex is a waste of time." While in the joint you realize how much you take the softness of a women's skin, for granted.
Once out I have put my ability to be with girls into overtime. Don't get me wrong I am no ladies man by no means. But I have had many more oppurtunities now that i am not chasing a dragon. Once I got out i found out the the girl that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with had now moved on and found a much better boyfriend who would not be a hassle to deal with like yours truly. Of course I became better and resented her for that. I immeadetly ressented her for it and sabotaged any chance i had at a relationship with her. I was very down about it and started re-kindling old relationships with girls who knew me before heroin. Now this was a task and still is because, I have no car to take them out on dates, no cell phone to hand out numbers which leaves alot of room for seculation. The best relationships are the ones that you fall into unexpectedly. Let me explain, While locked up my childhood best friend's step mom past away. I commented on his face book and gave him my number, so he could call and we could go hang out and talk about all the good times we used to have. I get to his house where he lives with his goregous cousin who is 25. I automatically assume that they are boyfriend and girlfriend. She is a young attractive nurse who lives with him, I have never met her before so i didnt know any better. Later that nite i ask him if he got her these flowers that are sitting in a vase on the table. He looks at me with disgust, and asks why he would buy his cousin flowers. I apologize and move on with the conversation. Through out the nite her and i talk and i find out that she has the same sense of humor as me and we laugh the hardest i have laugh in years about nothing important. eventually for some insane reason me and her end up out side at midnight in 20 degree wheather playing flag football in the complete dark. we laugh hard and go back inside. At this point she has had too much to drink and goes to sleep, so i assume. minutes later one of her lady friends pulls me aside and says alex, kristy wants you to go upstairs for a second. I dont thik anything of it and assume she may need to borrow my lighter or something. I enter the room where she is curled up in the bed. Now to a normal 21 year old guy she may have put herself in a compromising situation. but me being the gentleman i am i simply sit next to her and we proceed to laugh and joke around, then like it was meant to happen written in a script we lean in and kiss. no like a meaningless drunk sloppy make out kiss. one of those heart stoppers. and instantly i am head over heels. we stay up most of the night talking and laying together. I want to make this clear, no sex. Thats how i know this is special. We talk and talk. Since then i have done nothing but think about her and how i can make her laugh. we are taking things really slow which is good. I dont want to scare her off or haver her think i am obsessed so i am writing about her on here. No car makes things very hard for me to go see her. because when i am dropped off by my parents i have to stay the night there because i feel bad if i was to call my mom to pick me up at 2 in the morning. When i go over there with a buddy i feel like he is being a third wheel and feels uncomfortable after everyone goes to sleep. but i cant help it i want to be with her all the time. i am not sure if shee feels the same though because she doesnt put as much effort into as i do. she calls but i ahve to twist her arm and put her on a guilt trip. she is reluctant to come over here and it doesnt seem to bug her when we have to part ways. i know u guys give great advice about addiction but now i need your advice about women please give me some help so i dont screw this up and become vunerable to drugs thanks