my dad has been on me about writing in here which is a double edged sword. Yes it shows support but also it seems that sometimes he wants to control my recovery. That is just his charcater, he really likes to control things which usually is a good thing. He is one of the smartest people i know and is very successful. But when it comes to this problem no one and i mean no one can control it.
Lately I have been chasing a new addiction...... women. While on drugs, females took a back seat on my list of things that are important. People would ask me how good was sex while on heroin. I would answer, "Who cares, Why would you want to have sex when you could be cooking up a new shot." "Sex is a waste of time." While in the joint you realize how much you take the softness of a women's skin, for granted.
Once out I have put my ability to be with girls into overtime. Don't get me wrong I am no ladies man by no means. But I have had many more oppurtunities now that i am not chasing a dragon. Once I got out i found out the the girl that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with had now moved on and found a much better boyfriend who would not be a hassle to deal with like yours truly. Of course I became better and resented her for that. I immeadetly ressented her for it and sabotaged any chance i had at a relationship with her. I was very down about it and started re-kindling old relationships with girls who knew me before heroin. Now this was a task and still is because, I have no car to take them out on dates, no cell phone to hand out numbers which leaves alot of room for seculation. The best relationships are the ones that you fall into unexpectedly. Let me explain, While locked up my childhood best friend's step mom past away. I commented on his face book and gave him my number, so he could call and we could go hang out and talk about all the good times we used to have. I get to his house where he lives with his goregous cousin who is 25. I automatically assume that they are boyfriend and girlfriend. She is a young attractive nurse who lives with him, I have never met her before so i didnt know any better. Later that nite i ask him if he got her these flowers that are sitting in a vase on the table. He looks at me with disgust, and asks why he would buy his cousin flowers. I apologize and move on with the conversation. Through out the nite her and i talk and i find out that she has the same sense of humor as me and we laugh the hardest i have laugh in years about nothing important. eventually for some insane reason me and her end up out side at midnight in 20 degree wheather playing flag football in the complete dark. we laugh hard and go back inside. At this point she has had too much to drink and goes to sleep, so i assume. minutes later one of her lady friends pulls me aside and says alex, kristy wants you to go upstairs for a second. I dont thik anything of it and assume she may need to borrow my lighter or something. I enter the room where she is curled up in the bed. Now to a normal 21 year old guy she may have put herself in a compromising situation. but me being the gentleman i am i simply sit next to her and we proceed to laugh and joke around, then like it was meant to happen written in a script we lean in and kiss. no like a meaningless drunk sloppy make out kiss. one of those heart stoppers. and instantly i am head over heels. we stay up most of the night talking and laying together. I want to make this clear, no sex. Thats how i know this is special. We talk and talk. Since then i have done nothing but think about her and how i can make her laugh. we are taking things really slow which is good. I dont want to scare her off or haver her think i am obsessed so i am writing about her on here. No car makes things very hard for me to go see her. because when i am dropped off by my parents i have to stay the night there because i feel bad if i was to call my mom to pick me up at 2 in the morning. When i go over there with a buddy i feel like he is being a third wheel and feels uncomfortable after everyone goes to sleep. but i cant help it i want to be with her all the time. i am not sure if shee feels the same though because she doesnt put as much effort into as i do. she calls but i ahve to twist her arm and put her on a guilt trip. she is reluctant to come over here and it doesnt seem to bug her when we have to part ways. i know u guys give great advice about addiction but now i need your advice about women please give me some help so i dont screw this up and become vunerable to drugs thanks
Wow, this just got very exciting :) I love romance and all my friends come to me for advise on men/women so I'll tell you the same thing I'd tell any other guy.
ReplyDeleteBUT a forewarning: if you and this girl don't hit it off that means she's not the right one for you. That's all it means. It doesn't meant that there is something "wrong" with you or whatever, its simply not a good match unless BOTH people feel it. You can't force a relationship. You can do a lot of things to let her know you're interested and to help her know you better and perhaps like you more, but its always going to be a risk.
If it doesn't work out it will be disappoitning, it may hurt and frustrate you, but using it as an excuse to use would be a really poor choice. You know that....but had to say it. This girl, and all future girls, deserve the REAL Alex so keep him around and give him a chance. (I could send you pics of some of the hottest girls you can imagine that were dating my son...in fact I will if you send your email) but ALL of them one by one dropped out of his life including the one that dated him for a year. It was too sad to see what drugs were doing to him so they left.
Ok, now for the dating advice. There is a lot of talk in books, etc. about women playing hard to get and about men loving the chase but then losing interest once they "get the girl". There is some truth to that, but there's a fine line between understanding the opposite sex and playing games. Games often backfire.
It sounds like you are pursuing her but she's holding back a bit. My best advise is: You hold back a bit. Let her miss you. Let her sit there and think "I wonder why he hasn't called" and then that turns into "I hope he calls" which turns into her getting very excited to hear your voice the next time you call.
That is my advise for step one. I also advise that you learn how women think cause we are WAY different than guys in a lot of ways. We communicate different. I think you were VERY WISE to not have sex yet.
I could write a book on this so I better just shut up for now...good luck.
Oh, and I think your dad is suggesting you write because its a positive thing for anyone to do, not that he's trying to control your recovery. Of course you know him way better than I do...that's just how I see it.
If it is meant to be it will happen, don't force it and just sit with it for a bit. Try not to over invest this early on, maybe even date other girls to see what is out there. Women are VERY different than men. Men are very visual, women are very emotional, so it is very good no sex at this point, because that has the potential to confuse things. Just be yourself and be honest, let her come to you a bit. Maybe call and ask her to a movie or something, dinner or tell her you will cook her dinner and ask Mom and Dad to give you the house for a couple of hours while they go out? Women love to feel protected and safe and of course treated well. I agree with Barbara, if it doesn't work out with this girl, it wasn't meant to be and is for sure no reason to use. My son is like that, very impulsive and quick to "react" to situations and then he has what he feels is a good reason to use. It takes work and time to maneuver through the crap life throws our way, you can do it without telling yourself you need to use. I hope she falls to your feet soon!!!! Keep us updated....
ReplyDeleteI so love and miss the thrill of new romantic interests. I have a lot of relationship experience (too much to even paraphrase), but I will be the first to admit it was a lot more learning experiences then it was the hot, heated, exciting, passionate, experiences we all long for.
ReplyDeleteNo one can tell you exactly how to "play the game" and even if they could, you have no control over how your new love interest will play.
So with that prologue in place, my best advice is to be honest to the degree that you are comfortable at all times and let it develop that way. It is what it is.
Withholding some information (past relationships, drug use, emotions, sexual interest, etc)is definitely permissible. Lying or exaggerating in hopes of getting a certain reactions is not.
Just try to enjoy it for what it is. Some of my better times and memories are of the "new love" experiences, even with the wrong guys. Of course my BEST memories are when it was finally "the one."
Try not to set yourself up with unrealistic expectations or spend countless moments trying to get in her head. If she wants you there, she WILL open up to you. Have fun with the physical chemistry and the opportunity to relate and connect with someone.
I remember all to well the way that addiction occupied so much space in my mind and didn't leave room for simple relationships and interactions.
Instead of focusing on a "do or die" point of view in relation to her (the relationship failing) and using, try to keep perspective of how staying clean even gives you the opportunity to have this relationship.
... and did I say... HAVE FUN!!!!
God has the right woman for you. SO, if you can't be EXACTLY who you are, I wouldn't worry if the two of you don't end up in a relationship. One day God will have the perfect woman for you.
ReplyDeleteUntil then my advice is 1) don't play games 2) call when you say you'll call - girls would rather you never said you'd call then to have you say it then not 3) if you're not sure what signals she's sending you - do not overdo contacting her - b/c if a girl's not sure what she's feeling at first, too much attention can freak her out. 4) she knows you don't have a car, if she's head over heals - she will come to get you. 5) don't play games - has to be said twice. Holding back how often you call her if you're not sure what signals you're getting from her is not playing games.
AND finally - my gosh - there are so many wonderful women out there and so many that would just LOVE to be with you - so go with it if you two are getting along - but if not - just look around the corner...
Oh how fun to give a SON advice! I hope I did okay... I've only had a daughter (and 2 step-daughters)... so what I'm saying is truly from the "girls" perspective... I wish you the best!!!!! :)
im going to jump in here..
ReplyDeleteGodly principles and respect..
you would be a breath of fresh air treating a woman the way God intended..
(bet you would feel pretty dang good if she respected you, men would rather be respected than have sex.. dont laugh... woman need to feel safe and loved... this is what the bible states..i counsel couples and it is a question i ask all the time and seems to be the truth)
what more would you expect from a preacher..
you are loved
brother frankie
a biker for Christ
Alex, you had me hanging on to every word. I was so relieved to read that you maintained being a gentleman. That is highly commendable.
ReplyDeleteEasy does it. You got a lot of advice, so I won't add to it. My son doesn't have a girlfriend either. Yeah, I'm his mom but he is a good looking kinda guy. He's not ready, as he's struggling to stay sober. Friendship with her is good. Focus on your sobriety. The rest will come.
PS: I hope you continue to write for YOU. I value your insights. Believe me, your words have power to help me try and understand my own son-- whom I love very much.
Where are you? You can't leave us hanging here wondering what is going on....please update :)
ReplyDeleteI deeply appreciate how much you are sacrificing for me. The countless jobs you have given up for me, all the friends, whom you deeply cared for, you gave up for me.
ReplyDeleteHow long does cocaine stay in your system
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