Friday, December 4, 2009

Okay, It is now 1 in the morning, which seems to be when I do my best thinking and when all the realizations come to me. Also It is when my parents think I am up to no good. So it can be entertaining sneaking around right now. No I am just kidding although I do suspect they think I am up to my usual ways. Tonight was a typically Family Fun night. Father came home and was worried about the only thing that matters 24 hours a day.... not the gross economical impact of the unemployment rate, no he was worried about food. So he left to pick up chinese food since they opted to stay home this Friday. I think It was because they looked like they did not feel comfortable leaving me here alone unsupervised while they went out. Some people are so predictable that you could set your watch by them I knew exactly what we were eating from the restaraunt 3 weeks ago. My dad orders the same thing everytime and then blames my mom for not saying what she wanted its a lil game he plays, trying to justify his actions. D discussion was not bad, We had the honorable guest Brookie Here. Which I greatfully volunteered to take care of. I still feel like my mom feels uncomfortable with me being so gung ho about watching my niece, but that does not deter me I love her and will keep asking all the time. After dinner the phone rings, and to my astonishment it is this magnificent girl that for some reason decided while I was locked up that I am not even worthy of a casual breaking off of realtionship, no instead she skips that and goes straight for a new douche bag boyfriend.  Once I found out I do not stand a chance I have gradually become less interested in her. Once that happens I don't strive to keep our conversations, exciting and witty and flirty. Now it is just small talk, which ends abruptly because she convienently calls me at inconvienent times. So that the conversations are easy to cut short and rub in my face that I have no life and she is the center of all thats is interesting and fun loving. So unfortunately I survive that and am about to call the new love of my life when my dad uses one of his infamous casual arguement starters.... Alex "sit down we wanna talk to you abou somethings." He never leaves me enough time to retrieve my battle shield and spear.  Once seated I am repeatedly informed of how they are not putting up with my shit anymore, which is completely fair. That is not the part that bugs me. It's that he won't drop the image thing. I try to explain to him that by not liking a hat or pair of shoes to the point of bringing it up everyday and refusing to let me wear them in public , is stereotyping and that addiction is a faceless disease and just beacuse you wear a pair of shoes doesnt mean you smoke sherm or wear a certain hat that you bang oc's. I try to make a point that the games they play are psychological warfare because why do they allow me to purchase these items. Then he has even went as far as to say that I need to change the intonation in my voice. That junkies sound "nasally" and this is unacceptable. to make a long story....... less long than it was but not quite short. we get no where and it is 11 o'clock and I am emotionally and metnally beat so I lay in bed and have to sneak outside to smoke cigarettes because lord knows we are not paying to heat the outside and going out 3 times a nite is 3 times too many. But hey today was a victory beacuse no needles spiked my veins and I am one day wiser in the battle of addiction. Now all I need is employment then I would have better stuff to do then type on this pathetic blog

9 comments:

  1. Alex, I'm glad you are writing down your feelings. I really think that helps. I'm a mom cheering for you...but I know it takes more than the cheering of strangers. I would feel better if you had some kind of back up--such as a program of AA or NA, and a sponsor, and you were working on the underlying issues of your disease. Addiction is a monster who is not going to let you go easily..if you rely on your self will you are headed for trouble.

    I hope you don't take offense. I know heroin, and I know you can't do it alone.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow, there's so much I want to say here but selfishly will jump to the part that stood out cause I smoke Shermans and you mentioned smoking "sherm"....what does that mean? I tell people all the time I smoke Sherms, am I clueless to some drug lingo or are you referring to the same thing (natural tobacco cigaratellos).

    I hope you get a job but don't stop writing. Alex, you may not intend for your blog to help other people but its already helped me understand why my son may get so annoyed when I want to "talk". Its an immediate "oh, shit here it comes again all the same old stuff she always says...."

    I have to disagree with your dad on the image thing. If you are dressing in a way that pleases you, that is not blatantly offensive to them (like violently graphic or pornographic t-shirts) they need to drop that issue, imo. I assume you are not purposely picking out a style because it makes you "fit the stereotype". There really isn't one, at least not around here. My son likes those hideous plugs in his ears and I finally just accepted them even though I don't like them, I have bigger concerns than his style choices.

    I can imagine your folks lying in bed listening to you sneak around at night. Parents do not sleep when worried. Parents need sleep, we are old. I am sleeping like a baby while my son is gone :)

    Speaking of babies, Brooke sounds very special to you and I think that's awesome. Babies are the best thing in the entire world. Just being around them gives produces joy. Enjoy her - the bummer about babies, they grow up so fast.

    Lou is right, she's knows a lot about addiction. She's a wise lady.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi Alex. Like the others who have posted, I have read much about you and your story. You know, this particular post really hit me hard. I know that the conversations that I have with my son go just like what you described most of the time. Lots of times I become angry and frustrated so I yell or my tone is just sucky with him. I always feel terrible after those interactions. I guess I do it because I feel so powerless and afraid for him. I am working on my delievery of my messages to him, so thank you Alex, cause this really helped in that as I got to see what he is probably thinking/feeling, his point of view so to speak. Renee

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi-My boyfriend is a heroin addict in recovery. He's got about 4 months clean right now and is doing really well.

    I read your first couple of blog posts & I was thinking about you. I felt moved to check your blog tonight because I wanted to say something like Lou just said in her comment. You don't have to do this alone. You probably have had some exposure to NA or AA. It's always there.

    It's been pretty inspiring to me to see how much "the Program" has helped my guy. My boyfriend's sponsor and support buddies have been really amazing. They are there for him and listen and advise and support him no matter what kind of stress or issue comes up for him. He got so isolated during his strung out time, and now he has friends and trusted advisors.

    Right now, they're giving him support as he tries to decide how to deal with his parents over the holiday season. Ha.

    The image thing you mentioned in this post really hit a nerve for me, even though my guy and I are quite a bit older than you. My boyfriend and I both have very critical, controlling parents, and both of us have always had to endure endless BS from the folks about our choices in clothing and hairstyles. We aren't extreme punks or hippies or hipsters, we just aren't gonna wear Dockers or dress like Glen Beck (him) or some housewife from a dish soap commercial (me) --which seem to be the images our parents would like us to project.

    As my boyfriend prepares to make his amends to his folks, he's trying to separate out things that hurt or disappointed them and are valid reasons to make amends vs. the things that hurt or disappointed them that are his parnets' stuff, not anything he has to be sorry for. For example, they are still furious that he didn't want to be a doctor. He doesn't need to make amends for that. But he DOES have to take responsibility for a lot of dishonesty and other hurtful behaviors.

    Parents are never perfect; no one is perfect. You will have to do some things for yourself that aren't the things your folks would've chosen for you, and thats really ok and even honorable. I think they will probably love you anyway.

    If I focus on showing my folks that I care about them instead of focusing on trying to please them, I feel a lot less resentful, and sometimes they drop some of the criticizing and controlling.

    Best wishes to you, Alex.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Alex, I want to wish you success on your journey. Just know that whatever you want, you have it in you, addiction doesn't define who you are.
    Reading this post was almost like someone saying to me, "I told you so!" My daughter Heather has said to me, you always comment on how I'm dressing, or how pretty I look, but what about ME? I've been reading and learning and am starting to understand that statement, and this particular post of yours seems to say the same thing.
    Your blog probably helps you to get your thoughts out, and I am sure it is going to help a lot of young people relating to the same issues. But it is also helping this parent, and I'm sure a lot others. Which in turn will benefit our kids. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Here is a good blog writing you might want to check out, a letter writtne by an addict about getting out of prison.

    http://brokenheartedmom.blogspot.com/2009/12/for-few-parents-you-know-who-you-are.html

    ReplyDelete
  7. Alex, I appreciate you sharing your thoughts here. It's very meaningful to me, as a parent of a heroin addict who just recently relapsed. I hope you will continue to write. You have much to share with us.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Good post, Alex. You are right about stereotyping. Decisions are made about you within seconds. You can't change that. You can only change the message you want to send to everyone about who you are, what kind of an employee you would be, how serious you are about change. You do that instantly with the way you dress, walk and talk. Not knowing if what you wear is worth fighting over, unless you won the lottery and don't need a job, your parents advice might be worth listening to.

    ReplyDelete