Wednesday, December 2, 2009

inbetween my finger tips

I dont know how many times things have been in my grasp only to let them slip through my finger tips. Most people could shrug it off and say "hey, I like a challenge." but honestly I don't. I hate this challenge. I hate waking up every morning with the cards stacked against me. I hate waking up and gambling with my life, just by answering a simple yes or no question. Most nightmares end when yo wake up, thats usually when mine begins. I am a drug addict.
My name is Alex and I am A heroin junkie. Any opiates that promise 3 hours of a complete mind-numbing alternative reality have clenched my life in between there fingertips. As weak as that may sound, you have to be one of the strongest people I would know to have to live day in and day out with this problem. Any time I build up any trust, and self worth heroin destroys it with one quick blast from a needle. It has taken my true friends and replaced them with generic strung out faces, it has lied to my family and told them there is no hope, but most of all it has taken my freedom physically and mentally.
I was just released from El Dorado Correctional Facility the day before Thanksgiving. Although physically I was let go,Heroin Addiction keeps your mind trapped within its own confines and walls made of doubt despair and resentment. I have traveled many miles with these as my only companions. Once let go the only thing to focus on was my loving family. Let me fill you in they are the greatest gift anyone could have, I almost would go to say that I do not deserve love that unconditional. I spent all day with my parents on Weds. They took me to get a hair cut, shave buy a new wardrobe, basically re-intergrate me into this cruel world.
Thursday, was anything short of fantastic, I spent time with my whole family that I have drifted farther apart from over the past 5 years of addiction, I laughed told jokes and talked about my plans for the future for the first time in my life without there being a needle involved with the short future. I ate comfortably. That night I got home and checked my facebook. Which was when my heart shattered. This girl that I am ecspecially fond of had now found a new boyfriend and she neglected to tell me. That night I also made plans to hang out with one of the only individuals who had sobered up since my incarcertaion.
Him and I went to the legends to look for jobs. Its funny how things work out because as soon as and overwhelming blanket of pity wrapped around me about the girl, I saw a past drug dealer. Unfortunately before thinking of 9 months clean time being shattered the money was thrust into his hand and I was speed walking to the bathroom.
Once inside, time stood still, the click of the lighter. The milky color of the liquid coping skills made me salivate. Looking back I think I reverted to a primitive being. I have come to realize my decision making skills completely shut down and it has now turned to a motor skill that is done unconcsiously. Seconds later, clouds surround me and everything in the world is great, Things make absolute sense, and suddenly opiates aren't that bad.
It is short lived though, Once out of the bathroom, I feel guilty. I know I am stronger than this, and I know I care about myself enough to fight through the artifical bliss and know that what I had done was wrong. Suddenly I feel sick and regretful which I am used to after 5 years of these feelings. So I do what another self respecting junkie does. I hide away my feelings and light another cigarette.

6 comments:

  1. Hey Alex,

    Welcome to the world of blogging where strangers share their lives and spill their guts. I find it very cathartic and have met some cool people. Now I've met you and feel like I am getting a glimpse into how my son's addiction grips him.

    When you mentioned the 3 hours of complete mind numbing alternative reality - I could hear my own son's voice trying to explain to me why he would rather just keep using heroin the rest of his life than face how difficult life really is, even though he can't point to a single outward thing in his life that is bad, internally its hellish. I am beginning to understand more each day, especially after reading your blog, what its like for him.

    He's got a little over 3 months clean and is in a rehab...the only reason he got clean was cause he was in jail.

    How did you get 9 months?????

    I won't pretend to understand what you're going through, but I know its horrific and I have a ton of compassion for drug addicts. I know there's hope because there are a lot of people out there who have done it. I believe you can, my son can...that slogan from NA is true: one day (or hour, or minute, or second) at a time.

    Thanks for sharing your journey, you're a very good writer. I hope you keep it up.

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  2. Alex, I commend you for starting a blog. I have followed your story for at least a year. My son is also a heroin addict. He's 21 years old and no longer lives with me. After years of butting heads, we are beginning to grow a little closer. I am trying to understand HIS side of the story. You and Josh are helping me, more than you know. I would do anything to help my son, but ultimately, I know it's up to him.
    Please, keep blogging. Your writing is raw and very real.

    Debby

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  3. I suggest you to consult good drug addiction treatment center for your treatment. I am sure all your problems will be solved.

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  4. Literally, drug addiction is very serious for life. I suggest drug addiction intervention center for you to get cured.

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